Q&A: My Adoptive Daughter’s Asking Questions/Searching?
Question by Addie: My Adoptive Daughter’s Asking Questions/Searching?
When my husband and I got married years ago we were told that I was infertile and we decided to adopt. We were given a beautiful girl, Blair. We made the decision NOT to tell her she was adopted. We came to this conclusion because my husband is adopted and his adoptive parents told him he was adopted when he was 7 and he never looked at the same again. He never looked at them as Mom and Dad but Mr. and Mrs._________.
Blair is now 20 and in college. However, recently her fiance has remarked how their exists little to no resemblance between our daughter and either my husband or I. This has begun to spur her curiosity. She has been asking to see her birth certificate as well as various other documents. I removed the file with all the documents pertaining to her adoption from the file cabinet but she insists on looking.
She hasn’t told us that she thinks she is adopted but it’s becoming obvious, I’ve caught her going through that same file cabinet while she has been home on Spring Break. I don’t know what to do. My husband and I are adamant on not telling her she is adopted and will go to great lengths to conceal this from her. Help?
Best answer:
Answer by krazy_gal04
Just tell her…she has a right to know!! And she’s an adult now…she’s not some little kid anymore!! You just gotta trust that she will always love you no matter what; I mean, yeah, she might be mad @ first, but I’m sure she would rather know the truth than be lied to her entire life!! I know that’s how I would feel!!
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about 1 year ago
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????? Help you what? Lie? Cheat? Steal? This is not even a question.
As an adoptee, this makes me sick. You are guilty of child abuse, in my opinion. I wish I would be there to see your “daughter” kick you out of her life. Shame on you. You have lied to this girl about her very existence, and do not deserve the title of “Mom”.
She WILL find out….and I wish I was there to see the sheet hit the fan.
I hope this is all a joke, and that you are really a troll….I cannot believe anyone could do this to another human being.
about 1 year ago
She’s going to be a lot angrier and less tolerant of you if she finds out before you tell her. You’ve lied to her for a lifetime. She can easily do a simple dna test without your permission and find out the truth. The cost to her is under $200.
about 1 year ago
She knows.
You’re lower than pond scum
Have a nice day
about 1 year ago
If she’s determined to find out then she will find out. I watched a best friend go through this as well. His birth certificate and other documents went “missing” so he went to births, deaths and marriages and applied to get his birth certificate himself and found out the truth that way. He was horrified that his parents had concealed the truth from him and relations have been strained ever since. So I think you would be damned if you do and damned if you don’t . Just because your husband felt that way doesn’t mean your daughter would. So I guess you either sit back, do nothing and hope she never finds out or you tell her and just let what ever is going to happen just happen.
about 1 year ago
Its your daughters right to know who her biological parents are,and that shouldn’t be kept from her, doing so will only make her resent you for not telling her .I can imagine how hurt you might feel ,but by being honest with her you will be much more appreciated.There are ways she can find out the truth without your help .If you love her you must tell her.
about 1 year ago
Tell her. It’s HER history and background. She has a right to know.
Knowing her real medical history could save her life, and her social, cultural, genetic, and biological family history belong to her, not to you. It’s not yours to conceal.
I do not support failing to tell a child he/she is adopted under ANY circumstances. It’s too late to fix your mistake from her childhood, but even now that she’s an adult, you still have a responsibility to do the best you can from now on. Stop lying to her. How can you expect your daughter to trust you about anything if you’re being deceitful about something so basic?
about 1 year ago
I Know I’m gonna get Thumbs Down for this (and if you give me thumbs down, then Ha! You just proved me right) but I think that what your doing is right. I’m adopted and age 10 my “parents” told me I was adopted and like your husband my view shifted from Mom and Dad to Mr. and Mrs. Ford. It’s never gone back and never will.
Sometimes Ignorance is Bliss. I wish they never told me, I never would have investigated anyways and honestly, finding out after they passed away probably would have made the whole thing bearable. At least I wouldn’t have to see them again. Even after they told me I still have had no urge to find my bio parents or anything like that. All they did was hurt me beyond belief.
I thought “parents” were supposed to protect you, not hurt you.
==EDIT==
No, ignorance is truly bliss. Why does everyone keep calling this woman a troll. She has been positng numerous questions about adoption and her daughter on this board for a while now.
about 1 year ago
Why don’t people get it…
ITS THE LIES…NOT THE ADOPTIONS!!!
You can’t change someones “reality” and expect them to be ok.
Just be honest from the get go and avoid making yourself look like something UNPARENTISH, something untrustworthy, something like a troll….
about 1 year ago
Addie you and you husband made a HUGE mistake. You should have told Blair she was adopted. It is always harder for people to find out late in life. Take me I have known I was adopted as long as I can remember so it was just something I always knew that is how it should have been for your daughter and your husband.
It is going to come out eventually sit her down and apologize for your mistake. It could be dangerous for her to think she is biological yours for the simple fact that her medical history/ genetic issues will not be the same as yours. This is bomb waiting to go off you can not stop it but you can try and lessen the damage but coming clean she needs to learn this from you and not from someone else on stumbling across some file. You need to tell her why you all did.
Blair is likely to be upset, angry feel betrayed and she has every right too. Perhaps you should do a little bit of light reading on adoptees who have found out late in life because their feelings are likely to be similar to what your daughter will feel. There are consequences to ours actions and you both will need to accept the consequences to with holding this information from your daughter she had / has a right to know that she is adopted.
Frankly I quite surprised that your spouse was even on board to adopt since he clearly could not see his adoptive parents as his parents when he found out he was adopted and when he was much younger then your daughter is now. If he cant see them as mom and dad just surprises me that he can see an adoptive daughter as his daughter.
about 1 year ago
I really hope ‘your daughter’ tells you what crap parents you are. I hope she kicks you out of her life, calls you liars, and you see how much it hurt her that you lied to her all these years.
Your adopted daughter is not related to you. She has a whole other family. Too bad if she thinks of you as MS&MR. Maybe if you had done the right thing & been honest with her you wouldn’t have to worry about that. Shame on you & mostly your husband. He is a horrible person. Did your daughters first mom have a say so in this? I doubt she wanted to have HER daughter growing up knowing nothing about her. Your daughter is an adult now. Back off & let her be herself. I would hate my adoptive parents if they did anything like this to me.
about 1 year ago
Wow not telling her is very bad. I am adopted and I know and i am 14 i’ve known since i was 1. She is going to think her whole life is a lye. Either now or never. If she finds out on her own it is going to be much harder to explain. Its hard enough her not knowing for 20 YEARS. Tell her or she will find out on her own.HOpe this helps
about 1 year ago
wow, just one of the reasons adoption is so crap for some people. u did a terible thing to her. my parents told me when i was very VERY young, 7 is too old, ur identity has already begun to form and its a massive disruption. i dont remember being told, i just “always knew”. while adoption has been sometimes shi**ty for me its a lot better than being LIED TO.
Silly. you will regret this. you have to tell her she has a right to know she is not actually your child, its disgusting what u did.
are u a troll? tell the girl for f*** sake.
REGGIE – You were told too old. your parents should have told u when u were a young child. thats the issue, not the ‘being told’. you were lied to for ten years. this woman has fu’ckd things up and she has to pay for her mistake, unless she is a troll.
about 1 year ago
I don’t believe you. I especially don’t believe the part about removing the file with all the documents pertaining to her adoption. As if someone who was hiding an adoption would ever put them in the file cabinet in the first place.
about 1 year ago
I think you should spend the evening thinking about why you chose to write this at all… seeing as how you have a 12am curfew and will likely be bored out of your skull after you get home.
Time to pop in another batch of Troll-house cookies.
about 1 year ago
I’m not helping you lie to your daughter. I would suggest you tell her. She will resent you for not telling her even more if you don’t. Shes going to figure it out. You might as well suck it up.
about 1 year ago
just tell her, i think it was a good choice not telling her i am adopted and wish i didnt know, but she is old enough to handle it now, but point out to her if she chooses to contact them, she is most likely in for a world of hurt.
about 1 year ago
Are you kidding me? When she finds out what liars you both are, she will be gone! I don’t blame her. Her whole life has been a lie. She will go find her real parents and never look back.
about 1 year ago
Wow! You want us to feel sorry for you and help you deceive your daughter more? You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. Your daughter has no reason to trust you ever again, and she probably won’t.
about 1 year ago
Ooooh, you should write movies for Lifetime!
about 1 year ago
First of all, I understand why from your husband point of view why he decided this based on what he knew. At this point your daughter is grown. I know whether you decide to tell or not to tell has pros and cons and no easy answer either way. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and ask if you would want to know the truth? I know it well be hard to tell her but explain why because of your husband. She may be even closer because she will know somebody else has experienced life the same way as her. She of course will be mad, but explain how sorry you are and that you felt it was the best decision because of this. Be logical, she deserves her whole story…sooner or later with technology now days she may find out on her own and than be upset that she was never told. It will be hard no matter what you decide and it may give her closure or not. I just know growing up, I always wanted to know the “why’s” and never accepted half answers from my own biological parents about anything and hated it when they made up that santa was real. Goodluck i wish u the best.
about 1 year ago
Honestly, I can’t imagine how parents can raise a child for so long that is a lie. She needs to be told now. It will break her but she still needs to know the truth. Be supportive of her feelings. She may feel betrayed and will need time to heal.
about 1 year ago
Hmmm given your recent sign up date and Q & A on private I’m not sure how much of this I believe.
If it’s true you deserve everything you get. You’ve been lying to your daughter her whole life about HER truth. Do you think she owes you a damn thing?
about 1 year ago
I Have To Ask As An Adoptee Myself, Who Or What Is Specifically Being Protected By Your Daughter Not Knowing Of Her Adoption? Im Sorry But I Feel There Is An Ulterior Motive In Your Reasoning’s As Not To Be Honest With Your Daughter, Especially With Her Being At Age 20.
A Healthy, Loving Family Can Only Exist If There Is Honesty, Respect, Communication, & Closeness; Not With Deceit, Lies, & Secretes. It Is My Belief That The Concern Is More So To Protect Your Own Emotions & Narcissistic Egos. At What Point Should Blair Know About Her Being Adopted ? I Hope You Are Aware The Longer Shes Left Uninformed, The More The Impact Will Affect Her.
Please Think Of “Blair’s” Best Interest, As At Some Point She Will Find Out Of Her Adoption. You Might Want To Ask The Pastor At Church To Assist, Or Even Seek Some Family Counseling To Help You Come Clean With Your Daughter.
Believe It Or Not, But I Do Truely Wish The Least Of Pain & The Best Of Out Comes For You, Your Husband, & Blair. God Bless
about 1 year ago
You mean you didn’t give *The Facts of Life* to Blair? For shame!
BTW, has Blair shared with you lately how Jo, Tootie, Natalie and Mrs. Garrett are doing these days?
about 1 year ago
A relationship based on lies, deceit and disrespect.
Great going !!
Plus, you could kill her. What if all of her female relatives died of breast cancer? If she has the brca1 gene she has an 85% of getting breast cancer. Don’t you think she has a right to know?
Lie, continue to lie, disrespect her right as a human being to know her medical status.
Why on earth should she respect or love you?
You obviously don’t respect or love her enough to tell her HER truth.
about 1 year ago
I am absolutely disgusted that you have lied to your daughter all her life and both of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You are living a lie and that is completely wrong. Also you haven’t thought about the “what ifs” such as someone else telling her the truth or her natural family finding out. What if she has to go to hospital for any reason and she finds out that you two have lied to her. The fact that your husband was adopted makes it even worse. You cannot conceal the truth forever and she will find out eventually even if it’s after you die. It would be much better if the truth came from you.
I found my son through the internet without actively searching. Fortunately he always knew and wanted to find me. The point is that my son always knew he was adopted but his adoptive parents will always be his parents nothing has changed because of this knowledge or that we reunited.
about 1 year ago
“Your Daughter” ? Wow, you did a real good job “Mom” !
about 1 year ago
Addie, they’re going to lock you up and throw away the key, if you don’t stop telling such troll tales.
about 1 year ago
Maybe you can whip up some fake documents and plant them in the file, not.
What are you going to do when her first mother comes knocking on your door wanting to meet her and don’t think you can’t be found, because you can? I found my bdaughter when she was 29, I had a search angel and I paid her 40.00 and a few days later, I had her name and address.
about 1 year ago
Blair sweetheart…u are not alone…but if youve been told then your hopefully doin a whole heap better than me…im 41 and stumbled on this info..i wasnt told…i wasnt sat down and told how much im loved but here is the truth…i was never going to be told but the truth finds u…ive now known for 4 days and i do not know how i can get thru this……they havent even called to say theylove me and see how i am….*parents* maybe…family – no! ive been alone for 41 years..guess itmakes no difference now….i feel like just walking away from these “people” who have not had the respect, decency that i am a grown adult woman/mother to have told me as their dirty little secret goes deeper than me and them….it goes to my children..yet they never stopped to consider this…there is a damn fine line between selfish and selfless yet i think they never knew that……even now..im sure they are just thinking of themselves…perhaps what people may think of them..now their secret is out…its all them them them…..im yet to feel like i really do matter to them. i should have been told and im struggling to ever believe a damn thing that is ever going to come out of their mouths again.